(I'm sorry if this sounds like a pity party considering everything else happening in the world.)
Today is my birthday.
A lot of people sent me the usual "Happy Birthday" text messages or posted on my Facebook wall, and I genuinely appreciate every single one of them.
But when it came to actually spending time with me...
No one came.
I invited several friends to grab something simple to eat together. I wasn't expecting presents, a big party, or anything expensive. At this point in my life, I honestly don't care about gifts. I just didn't want to spend my birthday sitting alone in my apartment.
Instead...
That's exactly what happened.
I'm currently sitting here by myself eating pizza and crepes.
The food is actually pretty good.
But it doesn't really change how lonely today feels.
What hurts even more is that just two days ago, our entire friend group organized a surprise birthday party for another friend. Everyone showed up. There were decorations, drinks, presents, and people laughing together all evening. (We're all vaccinated.)
Watching everyone make that kind of effort for someone else while nobody could spare an hour for me has been surprisingly painful.
The more I think about it, the more I realize this isn't even about today.
It's happened for the last three years.
Every birthday seems to end the same way.
I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm simply that friend people keep around because it's convenient rather than someone they genuinely enjoy spending time with.
While I was sitting here alone, I started reading about loneliness because I honestly wanted to understand why something that seems so small could hurt this much. I came across several articles discussing how prolonged social isolation and feeling excluded can have a real impact on emotional well-being, even when someone appears to be functioning normally in everyday life. It made me realize that maybe I wasn't being overly dramatic for feeling this way. Missing one birthday dinner isn't the end of the world, but repeatedly feeling like you're the only person making an effort in your friendships can slowly wear you down over time. That thought hit me harder than I expected.
Despite everything, I'm still trying to focus on the positives.
The pizza is good.
The crepes are even better.
And at least I have a quiet evening to reflect on what I actually want from the people in my life.
Next year, I honestly think I'd rather spend my birthday traveling somewhere by myself than waiting around hoping people will show up.
At least then I'd be making memories instead of wondering whether anyone actually wanted to be there.
Edit:
I came back online later and couldn't believe how much this post had blown up.
Honestly, the saddest part has been realizing just how many people know exactly what this feels like.
I'm really sorry so many of you have experienced birthdays like this too.
Next year, I genuinely hope every single one of us has a much better birthday.
Thank you so much to everyone who took a moment to wish me a happy birthday.
It means more than you probably realize.
Edit 2:
I can't possibly reply to everyone individually anymore, but I wanted to say thank you.
Thank you for the birthday wishes.
Thank you for the kindness.
Thank you for the empathy.
Thank you for the advice.
I felt incredibly alone today.
Reading all of your messages honestly made me feel a little less alone.
I truly appreciate every one of you, and I hope all of you spend your future birthdays surrounded by people who make you feel valued.
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