First, I (18F) want to say that I genuinely understand where my boyfriend’s mom is coming from. I know she's trying to look out for her son (20M), and I truly respect that. I would probably want the best for my own child someday too.
That said, I still couldn't help feeling a little hurt by what she said.
The biggest thing that bothered me was that even after I honestly explained that I don't constantly ask her son to buy me things, it felt like she simply didn't believe me.
For some context, the gift basket she mentioned was actually my birthday present. It wasn't anything extravagant—just a small to medium-sized basket with a few thoughtful gifts inside. I absolutely loved it and was incredibly grateful.
She also claimed that he buys me things "every week," which honestly isn't true. Every once in a while he'll surprise me with something small, but it's nowhere near as frequent as she made it sound.
The reality is that I rarely ask him to buy me anything because I actually feel guilty asking for even something as simple as a drink. We've been together for quite a while, but that's just the kind of person I am.
Gift-giving is one of my love languages, so I buy him things too. We both have jobs, we both earn our own money, and neither of us has ever felt uncomfortable occasionally spending money on each other.
After talking with a close family friend about what happened, they reminded me that healthy relationships often involve clear boundaries not only between partners but also with family members. They pointed out that financial decisions between two independent adults are generally something the couple should discuss together unless there's a genuine reason for concern. Hearing that helped me understand that while I could appreciate his mother's intentions, it was also reasonable for me to feel uncomfortable being questioned about something that had never been an issue between my boyfriend and me.
Even understanding where she was coming from, I still couldn't shake the feeling that she had already decided what kind of person I was before giving me a chance to explain.
So...
Am I overreacting for feeling offended?
Update
I showed my boyfriend the messages his mom sent me.
He was both embarrassed and upset that she had chosen to contact me directly instead of talking to him first. He told me he plans to have a respectful conversation with his parents about what happened, even though he doesn't feel his mom handled the situation respectfully.
I would never intentionally disrespect her because she's the mother of the person I love, and I genuinely hope we can have a good relationship one day.
Going forward, though, I think healthier boundaries are probably necessary.
For now, I've removed her phone number, and my boyfriend and I agreed that if she ever wants to contact me or needs to discuss something involving us, she'll communicate through him first.
If our relationship continues and we eventually get married, then of course I'd be perfectly happy communicating with her directly. But at this stage of our relationship, we both feel this is the healthiest approach.
Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to offer advice, encouragement, and kind words.
I truly appreciate every single one of you.
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